So here’s the thing: while I believe that anyone who puts themselves purposely in the public eye is an open target for ridicule, I tend to avoid publicly lambasting 99% of kids that are in show business. This is for three reasons:

1. Kids in show business may very well not want to be in their field, and are instead living out the dreams that their stage-parents may have had for themselves when they were younger. I have no way of knowing who has that problem, and they have enough on their plate, psychologically-speaking, and they don’t need my snark to be aired publicly on top of that.
2. If you’re under the age of 16, you’re likely still trying to figure out a lot of things, and if you’re in show business, you’re probably doing it in front of the world. That’s kinda sucky – I sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted that much attention on me at that point – so you get a pass.
3. It makes me look super-mean, and I am a needy attention-slut who desires the approval of complete strangers, so that would be counter to my interests.

So when I saw the cast of the Broadway revival of “Annie” on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade last year, it took all my strength not to point out how… interesting the kid who is playing the title orphan looked on every social media site I could find.

Again, I do not want to make fun of children, but that face will paint my nightmares forever. And it has taken every reserve of will I have to not mock that poor child into oblivion.

But as I was sitting in the waiting room of my car dealership, waiting for my car to be inspected, a commercial came on for “Annie”. And there was that poor little gremlin, dancing with Daddy Warbucks, begging people to come see the show. And it struck me: I have nothing better to do at the moment. Let’s figure out what is wrong with this kid. And, gentle reader, I have done just that. Are you ready for the most hard-hitting investigative report this side of Woodward and Bernstein?

As you can see, Lilla Crawford, who plays everyone’s favorite overly-optimistic orphan turned second-hand war profiteer, is actually a normal looking girl. If I saw her on the street, I wouldn’t begin to cower in fear at all! It’s only when the makeup department throws a poorly-designed wig on her head, dyes her eyebrows a shade of red that I am pretty sure is not seen in nature, and cakes so much white makeup on her that even The Joker would raise an eyebrow (From “The Dark Knight”, obviously. I know The Joker of the comics and cartoon has skin that is naturally chalk-white. Shut up.). And maybe the effect works on stage – although I doubt it – but it is absolutely awful for television. But I’m not making fun of the girl. She seems like a normal individual.

It’s the makeup department at “Annie” that makes her look like a second-hand Pennywise from Steven King’s “It” that deserves our ridicule.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be waiting for a call from the Eyewitness News Investigators, who I’m sure will be offering me a job any minute now.